gentrifried rice

asterisky business

I know everyone's pretty much made up their minds on this issue and there's no way I'm convincing anyone that Barry isn't the devil, so if you want to skip to the end where I tell someone to go fuck themselves, feel free to do that.  Cause shit is about to get preachy up in this!  (Not really.)

That clever image is from the Post (OBVS.) and I, for one, would have loved to have been in the meeting when this idea was pitched, if only so I could have suggested writing out "756" in dead babies instead of syringes.  That would have been damning.  Does Barry Bonds kill babies?  Who's to say that he doesn't?

[Late find:  NYPOST - Lightning does strike twice!]

I'm not gonna launch into a full-blown defense of Barry Bonds, cause frankly, I understand why people hate him.  He's probably a cheater, he's definitely an asshole, and he just broke THE RECORD OF RECORDS.  Fine.  A few points, though:

Making Barry the be all and end all of steroid abuse in baseball is idiotic, to put it lightly.  There has been a culture of substance abuse in sports for the last decade (or four), and hanging one man (or even say... ten) out to dry for it is narrow-minded and counterproductive.

And yes, Barry is an asshole.  This has been well-documented.  But for the love of Pete Rose, he's a professional athlete.  For every Sean Casey, there's a Jeff Kent ot an A.J. Pierzynski.  I would love nothing more than to live in an idyllic world where all professional athletes are cupcakes and butterflies, but let's not get our panties into a bunch when an athlete turns out be an asshole.  What would Charles Barkley say?

Dislikes, L-R:  Black people, photographers, not hitting his wife.

The shit that really pisses me off is when people come after us Giants fans.

"Bonds is so ultracompetitive, part of his way of exacting revenge on a world that rejects him -- the media, the clear-thinking precincts of America, a better-late-than-never Bud Selig -- is to rip the record-breaker in front of his unconditionally glorifying sheep at AT&T Park."  - Jay Mariotti

"I can't pretend what Bonds did Tuesday night in front of a national television audience and his adoring but myopic Giants fans is anything more than a make-believe piece of baseball drama." - Gene Wojciechowski

I'm not entirely sure what it is that the world expects of us.  I've been a Giants fan for nearly twenty years now.

The first baseball game I ever attended.

I cheer for Barry Bonds.  I've also cheered for Jeff Kent (never again!), Kevin Mitchell and Neifi Perez*.  For better or worse, Barry Bonds has been a part of my life for fifteen (!) years.  Should I have disowned him at some point?  I don't see any Mets fans clamoring to boo Guillermo Mota off the mound.  Same goes for Padres fans and Clay Hensley.  Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't be able to find another team that's free of any players that haven't violated the league's drug abuse policy or been suspected of juicing.  Was I supposed to give up on baseball?  You first, stone-throwers.

Here's a little more Wojciechowski for you:

"Bonds and his career numbers are a fraud. Just like McGwire's. Just like Rafael Palmeiro's. Just like Sammy Sosa's. Bonds wasn't the first to be connected with steroids or performance enhancers, but he's the first to overtake Aaron. And that's why you should care."

And we're the myopic ones?

So, I guess my point is... as long as we're gonna call each other names, Mariotti is a joyless hack.  Woj, I don't really have a problem with you in general, but on this issue, the both of you can go fuck yourselves.

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* Actually, I can't confirm that I've ever cheered for Neifi Perez.

The Jeffrey Leonard Invitational

Joe and I are starting a sports trivia night.

Check that shit.

does not compute

You need a new trick, SJ2.

Also, WE FUCKING GET IT.

Thanks.

be honest

On your way home yesterday, didn't you want to headbutt everyone you saw in an Italian football jersey?

can i barbaro a feeling?

Looks painful, no?   

The story so far:

Barbaro wins the Kentucky Derby (by a lot) and becomes the presumptive favorite to win the Preakness.

He doesn't.

In fact, he breaks his leg in three places (See Fig. THAT FUCKING X-RAY OF A HORSE'S LEG WITH 27 SCREWS IN IT).

The statistic I've heard is that something like 375 horses are euthanized every year because of racing injuries.  You'll just have to take my word for that, because I'm too lazy to do the research.  Point is, horses rarely recover from broken legs and the surgery is prohibitively expensive.

Barbaro, however, lives on.  His owners claim that they shelled out for the surgery because of their attachment to the horse.  This is probably not for us to judge.  Regardless, the owners also stand to gain millions of dollars in stud fees if Barbaro lives. 

It's kinda hard for me to go all high horse about the inequity of Barbaro's situation.  For starters, it's horse racing, which has all the appeal of NASCAR (read: none) but is somehow still held in high regard* by a ridiculously large number of people.  Also, I love eating animals, so I can't help but feel like a hypocrite when I get sad thinking about the hundreds of dead horses that are put down every year.

So here's my moral compromise:

I'm really fucking hoping that Barbaro ends up being gay.

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*Listen up, Tom Brady.  You attend the State of the Union.  Whatever.  You show up at the Kentucky Derby.  Fine.  But seriously, fuck up again and I'm taking back all the nice things I've said about you.

Yet another postscript:  Anyone notice how this is turning into a horse racing blog?  How did that happen?

fixing the winter olympics, one idiotic sport at a time

So the Torino games have come and gone, and I think the overwhelming feeling is this:  the Winter Olympics are the Bode Miller of international competition.  (Current rankings:  World Cup, Summer Olympics, World Beard Championships, World's Strongest Man Competition, Pan Am Games, Winter Olympics.  That's right, buddy.  Not only do you not medal, you're worse than the Pan Am Games.)

So as long as people are suggesting solutions, here are my quick fixes to make the Winter Olympics better:

1.   Crotchety ice skating commentator Dick Button should cover all sports.  And not just because he has a great name.  Though he does have a great name.  Top notch.  Also, did you know he invented the flying camel spin (once known as the Button camel)?  Dick Button.  Button camel.  Dick Button's Button camel.

2.  More shooting.  Everybody makes fun of the biathlon, but as far as I'm concerned, it should be the model for winter sports.  If you're gonna have ridiculous events, you better be prepared to pull out the big guns.  No, seriously.  Would ice dancing with regular interruptions for target shooting be any more ridiculous than cross-country skiing?  It would only make it better, right?  (Side note: Where does the IOC get off calling a shooting event "Pursuit" if nobody bleeds?)

3.  Not enough head-to-head competition.  There's too much waiting around in the Winter Olympics.  Most of the events involve comparing individual performances, rather than straight-up head-to-head competition.  There might not be a solution to this in regards to ice skating or ski jumping, but follow me here--what if we were to create an EIGHT-LANE luge/bobsled/skeleton track?  It'd be NASCAR on ice!  With one major difference, of course.   Regular stops for target shooting.

eleventyseven things to do

If I start a post talking about sports, will you people even read to the end?

I am, apparently, still alive in the office football pool.  If the Eagles win tonight (and if the combined score is closer to 35 than 52), I'll take you all out for drinks.  I feel like this has to happen, seeing as how I got crushed by this guy in my fantasy football league.

Also happening in sports tonight:  some guy returns to his team, prompting all us Giants fans to turn their "too little, too late" convictions into "just enough, right fucking now" aspirations.

CMJ lands this week.  I don't know how people manage to take it all in.  Having a job and having a job that doesn't pay me a lot will seemingly keep me from participating too much in the festivities.

Tickets are now on sale for the aforementioned MOJO AID Hurricane Relief Benefit.  Though, according to that link, it's a "Hurrican" Relief Benefit.  Let's hope that's a typo.  Reasons I'd like to go:  1) I've missed Ted Leo every time I've had the opportunity.  2) I've heard Ryan Adams is a dick, but this seems like a situation where he'd have to play nice.  3) Debbie Harry.  4) It's for charity!  Reason I'm not going:  I'll be coming back from Boston.

Things I'll be doing in Boston:  The National on Friday.  Red Sox-A's on Saturday (hopefully).  Drinking and watching football on Sunday (probably).  Also, I'll be hoping my bus doesn't explode into flames.

When I come back:  My head will explode as I fail to do all of the following on Tuesday the 20th:

• Fiona Apple will be doing an in-store (with both of her producers) at the Union Square Virgin Megastore at 6pm.
• James Frey will discuss the editorial process with his editor at McNally Robinson at 7pm.
• Will's reading series (This Is Not the New Minstrel Show) at Galapagos Art Space at 7:30pm.

my mind's not right

I would totally have pictures to show you from last night's Clap Your Hands Say Yeah / National show, but I'm pretty sure that somebody [BILLY] accidentally stole my USB cable.  Also, somebody [STILL BILLY] left behind a pair of shoes in their place.  Like a damned pack rat.

This was my first time seeing both bands, though I've been crazy about the National for a while.  I've found that their sound is pretty hard to describe, though Pandora seems to think they sound like Daniel Lanois, Pedro the Lion, and Echo and the Bunnymen.  Which is to say, they all share some combination of the following elements: mild rhythmic syncopation, mixed acoustic and electric instrumentation, a breathy male lead vocalist, subtle use of vocal harmony, repetitive melodic phrasing, folk influences.  Whatever.  I'll just use the Apple Jacks Defense ("I just like it, okay?"), thank you very much.  Though you should try Pandora yourself.  It's kinda neat.

[CYHSY mp3s available at their website.]
[Check out the music video for the National's "Abel" riiiiiiight here.]
[The "Music Genome Project" - Pandora.]

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Also coming your way once I get my USB cable back:  Creepy Jesus.

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Tonight seems like a pretty good night to give the drinking a rest.  Unless the laundromat has cocktails.  Which is, seriously, the greatest idea in the world.

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One last item:  Koreas agree to unified team for 2006 Asian Games [ESPN.com]