gentrifried rice

the five worst lines on the new rilo kiley album

Keeping in mind that I'm actually a Rilo Kiley fan, here's my preliminary list for the five most cringe-inducing lines from their new album, Under the Blacklight:

5.  "Smoke Detector"
    I took a man back to my room;
    I was smoking him in bed.
    Yeah, I was smoking in bed.
    This is what he said.

Honestly, I probably only included this out of jealousy.  Fucking Jonathan Rice, you Michael Pitt-looking son of a bitch.

4.  "Give a Little Love"
    Ooh / It's like a battlefield inside.

Is this an intentional nod to Pat Benatar?  Discuss.

3.  "The Angels Hung Around"
    I been whored and I been gored,
    I been less and I been more.

Yikes.

2.  "Close Call"
    She was born on a brightened pier
    to a gypsy mother and a bucket of tears.

I guess it'd be too obvious to point out how Colin Meloy Lite this is, but seriously you guys.

1.  "15"
    ALL OF IT, though here are some highlights:

    She was bruised like a cherry, ripe as a peach.
    How could he have known that she was only 15?

    Our skin is like grass.
    Let's smoke it real fast.

    He was deep like a graveyard, wide like TV (?)
    And how could he have known that she was down for almost anything?

This song may be the first of its kind, which is to say that it's the first satirical cautionary tale about meeting people on MySpace that I've ever heard.  Here's to hoping that it's also the last, cause it really doesn't work on any level.  It just kind of sounds like a really cheerful song about statutory rape. 

In other news, Doritos X-13D chips taste exactly like a McDonalds cheeseburger (pickles included), and I'm not the only person who feels that way.

one stop shop for hurricane jokes

"We're going to Texas!  And Louisiana!  And Puerto Rico! Byah!"

asterisky business

I know everyone's pretty much made up their minds on this issue and there's no way I'm convincing anyone that Barry isn't the devil, so if you want to skip to the end where I tell someone to go fuck themselves, feel free to do that.  Cause shit is about to get preachy up in this!  (Not really.)

That clever image is from the Post (OBVS.) and I, for one, would have loved to have been in the meeting when this idea was pitched, if only so I could have suggested writing out "756" in dead babies instead of syringes.  That would have been damning.  Does Barry Bonds kill babies?  Who's to say that he doesn't?

[Late find:  NYPOST - Lightning does strike twice!]

I'm not gonna launch into a full-blown defense of Barry Bonds, cause frankly, I understand why people hate him.  He's probably a cheater, he's definitely an asshole, and he just broke THE RECORD OF RECORDS.  Fine.  A few points, though:

Making Barry the be all and end all of steroid abuse in baseball is idiotic, to put it lightly.  There has been a culture of substance abuse in sports for the last decade (or four), and hanging one man (or even say... ten) out to dry for it is narrow-minded and counterproductive.

And yes, Barry is an asshole.  This has been well-documented.  But for the love of Pete Rose, he's a professional athlete.  For every Sean Casey, there's a Jeff Kent ot an A.J. Pierzynski.  I would love nothing more than to live in an idyllic world where all professional athletes are cupcakes and butterflies, but let's not get our panties into a bunch when an athlete turns out be an asshole.  What would Charles Barkley say?

Dislikes, L-R:  Black people, photographers, not hitting his wife.

The shit that really pisses me off is when people come after us Giants fans.

"Bonds is so ultracompetitive, part of his way of exacting revenge on a world that rejects him -- the media, the clear-thinking precincts of America, a better-late-than-never Bud Selig -- is to rip the record-breaker in front of his unconditionally glorifying sheep at AT&T Park."  - Jay Mariotti

"I can't pretend what Bonds did Tuesday night in front of a national television audience and his adoring but myopic Giants fans is anything more than a make-believe piece of baseball drama." - Gene Wojciechowski

I'm not entirely sure what it is that the world expects of us.  I've been a Giants fan for nearly twenty years now.

The first baseball game I ever attended.

I cheer for Barry Bonds.  I've also cheered for Jeff Kent (never again!), Kevin Mitchell and Neifi Perez*.  For better or worse, Barry Bonds has been a part of my life for fifteen (!) years.  Should I have disowned him at some point?  I don't see any Mets fans clamoring to boo Guillermo Mota off the mound.  Same goes for Padres fans and Clay Hensley.  Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't be able to find another team that's free of any players that haven't violated the league's drug abuse policy or been suspected of juicing.  Was I supposed to give up on baseball?  You first, stone-throwers.

Here's a little more Wojciechowski for you:

"Bonds and his career numbers are a fraud. Just like McGwire's. Just like Rafael Palmeiro's. Just like Sammy Sosa's. Bonds wasn't the first to be connected with steroids or performance enhancers, but he's the first to overtake Aaron. And that's why you should care."

And we're the myopic ones?

So, I guess my point is... as long as we're gonna call each other names, Mariotti is a joyless hack.  Woj, I don't really have a problem with you in general, but on this issue, the both of you can go fuck yourselves.

---

* Actually, I can't confirm that I've ever cheered for Neifi Perez.

I HAVEN'T THE BLOGGIEST

Apparently, I live in the bloggiest neighborhood in America.

No thanks to me, obvs. 

In conclusion,

Fuck it, I'll start a fantasy fishing league.  Who's with me?

The Jeffrey Leonard Invitational

Joe and I are starting a sports trivia night.

Check that shit.

shows i don't watch: grey's anatomy PART 2

Michael: That's fun, but really, you should have asked her about the second season closer

me: i don't know the show at all

Michael: in which the hottest girl, Izzy, cuts a guy's life support

because she loves him and he needs a new heart

just so happens that the hospital is holding a PROM

so everyone is in prom dresses

never mind the sick people

me: wtf

Michael: and Meredith gets banged by McDreamy in a side room

AND the black surgeon gets his ass shot somehow

me: this is not the guy who needs a heart

Michael: not literally, no

the guy who needs a heart dies

me: OH MICHAEL

YOU'RE SO SENSITIVE

Michael: hahaha

anyway, it was one of those episodes where you find yourself thinking

Why the fuck am I watching this silly stuff?

Oh, and also, Meredith, after having banged McDreamy, then has to choose between him and the vet who patched up her stupid-ass mongrel dog

me: what about the dude who's dying

i thought she loved him

Michael: the two guys are in tuxedos (because of the prom), and they're both calling her, and that's where the episode ends.

Hilarity ensues.

the guy without the heart is in love with Izzy, a different surgeon

who was a model before she became a doctor (she found a desire to use her brain or something0

Though why he loves Izzy you can't really say, because she kills him after all

But he leaves her a check for $8 million dollars, which makes her a very well-paid assassin

Anyway, the bomb-in-the-chest-cavity episode was not nearly as rich with the ridiculous as the season ender

End of summary.

me: i feel like i know you a lot better now

shows i don't watch: grey's anatomy

me: i hear you watch grey's anatomy
Heather: totes
  well, online
  i catch up a few episodes at a time
  are you going to ask me about it, then make me look like a douchebag on your blog?
me: yes.
  no dice?
Heather: okay. i'm cool with that. proceed
me: hoohooo
  you're awesome
  i should mention ahead of time
  that i'm drunk
  so you might be at an advantage
Heather: that's how i like you best, stanley
me: w/r/t which of us is going to look like a douchebag
Heather: ha. of course.
me: okay so i've seen one episode.
  it was following super bowl XL.
  CODE BLACK
Heather: is that where people were droppin' like flies in the OR?
me: no, apparently there was a patient who had a BOMB IN THEIR BODY
Heather: ooohhh, an old one
me: also christina ricci had bangs
Heather: the real tragedy
me: aw, i thought she looked cute.
Heather: is that really the issue?
me: well i guess the real issue is that she's a total pussy
  and she took her finger off the bomb
Heather: ha!
  yes and that cutie from early edition blew up
  man, i liked him
me: now that's the thing
  that episode, as i recall
  ended with that girl who's not as cute as everyone says she is
  covering christina ricci's ass
  right?
  she had her finger on the bomb or something
Heather: meredity
  merdith
  rather
  meredith GREY
me: you can do it
Heather: as in it's her anatomy
me: i still don't understand how they get away with calling this show grey's anatomy
  i mean, if it were some kind of pun on the original grey's anatomy
  or rather
  gray's anatomy
  but it isn't
Heather: well, that's why they can use it
me: but i mean
  whatever, this is not the point
Heather: they killed the cute guy
  is that the point?
me: no hold on
  i'm not there yet
Heather: fine
me: so just to be clear
  there was a BOMB in this dude's BODY
Heather: she got shot
me: which apparently happens enough that they have a CODE in the hospital for it
Heather: with one of those missley type guns
  and it did not detonate on impact
  as it should have
me: OH
  is that what happened?
Heather: yes
me: i only caught it like halfway in
  and christina ricci had her hand in this dude's BODY
  and couldn't take it out
  even though she was totes freaking out
Heather: the change in pressure would cause it to detonate
  or so i understand
  kablooey
so meredith, because it's her goddamn show and she gets to sleep with mchottypants or whatever, she also has to save the day
me: so she runs out
Heather: even though she has really bad skin
me: and it was in slow motion
  set to a coldplay song
  as i recall
Heather: i think you're right
  they have good tunes on that show
me: every episode is a song title, i hear
so i didn't see the next episode but i guess even though meredith grey's anatomy saved the day
  the fucking bomb exploded anyway
Heather: ah, well, probably the title of the song they choose for the montage
  yes
me: and this bomb killed mcdreamy?
Heather: and the cute guy died
  noooo
me: mcsteamy?
Heather: it killed the cute EMT
me: omar epps?
Heather: HA! wrong show?
  That's House
me: oh
  oh yeah it is
  i demoted him too
Heather: and cranky british dudes are way hotter than Patrick Dempsey
me: yeah, explain THAT to me
  why is he so cute
Heather: House or McDreamy?
me: mcdreamy
  not house, i understand that one
Heather: Cause, House is hot because he's such a bitch
me: he's got an accent
Heather: and he's mean
  i'm into mean
  But McDreamy is hot because... he's not riding a lawn mower anymore and he's all grow'd up and a doctor and come on, sometimes he's pretty charming
  he's hotter than anyone I work with, that's for sure
me: well you're clearly working in the wrong hospital
Heather: i'm thoroughly under qualified
  and blood makes me woozy
me: i mean, have you seen my dad?
Heather: your dad it toes adorbs!
  totes adorbs!
  toes? yeah. i'm clearly not on my game
me: we call him McOBGYNy
Heather: HAHAHAAHAH
  McSpeculum?
me: that's actually not true. i don't talk to him about his profession ever.
Heather: well, he's up tp his elbows in hooha. It might be awkward.
me: that's fucking gross

shows i don't watch: prison break

me: can i ask you some questions about prison break

Joe: yeah sure

me: did he break out of prison

Joe: yeah, yeah he did.

last season

but then they had to run away from the prison

me: well yeah, you can't just hang around outside

that would be stupid

Joe: yeah. but they are also chasing this 5 million dollars

me: what

Joe: that the guy in prison who died told michael about

he was...

who was he...the famous guy who jumped out of the plane with the money

and they never found him

me: so they broke out of prison right

Joe: yeah, that was the end of the first season

me: ok

-----

Joe: you shoudl have asked aboutwentworth and his jeans deal

and the other dude getting tossed in jail for killing a teenager

me: i'm more interested in the plot

Joe: well

they broke out of jail

and then they were running

me: was more interested

Joe: oh

also he kind of broke INTO jail

because his brother was freamed for the murder of the female president's brother

who is actually alive and locked in a house in the mountains and guarded by secret service

anyhow

that guys brother committed a crime and got put into the same jail

and they then proceeded to break out of the jail

along with a pedophile

a mob guy

an ex army guy who is in there for stupid shit

a car their

theif

and maybe another guy i cant remember

and they ran

oh also a schizo guy

and a teenager who got jailed for stealing like a nolan ryan rookie or something

You have blocked Joe. You can no longer see each other online or chat together.

shows i don't watch: lost

me: you're a lost watcher, right
yusuke: yes
me: can you briefly explain a couple things to me
yusuke: It's actually a giant snow globe
me: hahaha.  best answer ever.  so the others... do they speak english?
yusuke: yes, they do.  they basically have a normal-ish community away from the castaways
me: but they're not people who survived a crash.  they're just people who happen to be living on this island
yusuke: yeah.  it appears to be some sort of social/animal experiment
me: and the show continually introduces new characters.  despite being set on a desert island
yusuke: well, the others.  the castaways were initially separated
me: right
yusuke: the front of the plane and the back of the plane
me: at some point they come together though, right? at least for tribal council?
yusuke: the first season concentrated on the main castaways.  the end of the first season, some of the front of the plane people try to get off the island, but ended up getting attacked by the Others and ended up on the other end of the island where they met the back of the plane people.  who didn't have as much food as the main castaways
me: cause they kept winning the challenges
yusuke: right.  so they joined the main castaways.  Now, they found a hatch which was part of some experiment
that controlled the island's magnetic force.  though the relationship of that to the Others hasn't been made clear yet
me: they found multiple hatches right?
yusuke: yes
me: richard hatch?
---
me: can i blog this conversation
yusuke: If you must.  I probably got some shit wrong
me: nobody will hold it against you.  "if you must" meaning you'd rather i didn't?
yusuke: no no, I'm not sure what you intend to do with the conversation.  I don't trust you
me: oh is that all

happy new year!